5 Things That Really Irk Me: Singing Retail Clerks, Socks With Sandals, Escalators, and More

As a crotchety old man in the making, there are many things I out there that annoy me: politicians, telemarketing, people who drive too slow or too fast. The list goes on. But those things are obvious; everyone hates politicians and bad drivers.

The following list, however, features some of those things that maybe go unnoticed or are forgotten, but  still have a way of settling just underneath my epidermis, and probably yours too, if you’re normal like me:

Hip retail clerks who insist on singing in the store. That skinny hipster with the spiky hair, thin beard, tight reddish jeans, and plaid shirt is supposed to be folding the clothes in the dressing room, or getting a pair of size 12s from the back. Instead, he’s crooning in an annoyingly airy falsetto along with some neo-soul song playing over the store’s stereo system as if the store is his stage and the merchandise is his audience.

People who drag their stuff around behind them in wheeled pieces of luggage. Did you really need to pack so much stuff that you’re unable to carry it like a normal person? It’s bad enough that you exist in the space already granted to you by God and nature; now you want the three feet or so behind you, too, all because you’re too lazy to pick up your bag and carry it at your side. I think it would even make more sense to push the thing out in front of you – at least that way you’d be able to see where you’re wielding that thing! And you gotta love when they decide to release or retract the handle – at the bottom or top of an escalator or stair case – right in front of you. Get a clue, and out of my way!

People who whistle their esses. I don’t know what they’re doing differently than the rest of us to form their “S” sounds, but it’s annoying! Maybe they need to their mouths just a bit more, or open them. Or, try moving your tongue away from your bottom lip, or purse your lips a bit less. Whatever it takes! Just please stop whistling every time you pronounce an “S” sound. It’s like you’re calling your dog 50 times during our conversation, or like a stuttering tea kettle that never quite boils! Seriously (that’s not a good word for you, by the way), I find it distracting and impossible to pay attention to what you’re saying. Here are some other words I think you should stay away from until you figure this out.

Succinct, success, sauces, saucy, Sausalito (in fact, never go there), San Francisco (don’t even try spelling that), recess, abscess, sausages, Caesarian, feces, isthmus, secede, sustain, tresses, trespasses, Mississippi, resonance, resistance, persistence

There’s plenty of other ones, and keep away from pluralizing anything!

Socks With Sandals. Thanks Sudoku-playing dude on the train this morning for reminding me of one of great pet peeves. I almost forgot about this one, but I happened to look down and saw those cotton-covered toesies poking out of the sandals’ front holes. But please remember this simple rule next time you decide to violate this simple rule of fashion:

If it’s chilly enough for socks, it’s too cool for sandals.

Sandal season is officially over at that point! It makes sense, doesn’t it?

Listen, if you have some funky foot ailment that precludes you from exposing them in public, we all thank you for using discretion. But sandals over white tube socks do not a fashion statement make. And any….shoe would be better in that situation.

Escalators. For the majority of people I see using escalators, it’s simply out of pure laziness. Most people who use them are young enough, fast enough, and mobile enough to take the staircase. There’s no evidence of time-saving. In fact, I’m sure it can actually take longer, depending on the circumstances, like when that jerk stands in the “left lane” (the escalator passing lane) just so he can talk to his buddy, rather than move over to the right. My real problem with escalators, especially when ascending, is that you’re way too close to parts of people that we spend our whole lives trying to avoid. Who knows what smoky, gaseous emission is about to emanate from the ass in front of you, which just happens to be perfectly lined up with your nose. I don’t take that chance.