A Vote for Me: The Mideast - Just Switch the Country Names

OK, I’m tired of all these middle-eastern countries squabbling, bickering, and just being downright nasty to each other. What’s up with that? You're tired of it too, right?

I mean, we just want their oil. There's no reason we should have to put up with that.

That’s why the solution here is to simply switch the names of all the countries.

I don’t care what they say either. If we stand firm on this one, it will work.

Here's how it works:

Let’s say we changed the name of the country that is now known as Israel to Iran, and vice versa. If you live in, say, the land of Israel, your new country is really Iran, which was once your sworn enemy. Only now you live in Iran. Conversely, the old Iran is now Israel. So, the Iranian government, formerly Israel, could never attack a country called Israel. It would be like attacking itself. And it wouldn’t be able to attack itself, even it’s now it’s own mortal enemy.

Think about it…Yeah, baby, I know!

A Vote for Me: Immigration - Only Let the Hot People In

"Only come in if your good-looking."

That's what my mother-in-law always says when I come over. She lets me in anyway.

But that's basically the crux of my Immigration policy.

When it comes to controlling immigration, I contend that we only let in people who are hot.

I mean, how great would it be?

Everywhere you go, totally good-looking people are there. No more letting in ugly people to taint the country’s genetic code. And I'm no chauvinist either. This goes for all sexes, as well as races, religions, and ethnicity. So put that in your pipe and smoke it!


And once those immigrants start mixing with our own beautiful people, we’ll all start to become hotter.

Of course, we’ll need to establish a department of exterior beauty and personal aesthetics, but we’ll figure it out – together, as a nation of really hot people. I’m thinking that Paris Hilton might want to serve in my cabinet and head up that department.

I know: it sounds a bit superrace-ish now. But you need to look to the future. I give it about 40 or 50 years, and we’ll have hotties running around everywhere. Everyone will be part of the superbeautiful.

That is awesome, isn't it?

Booty Pop? Sinking the Good Ship Lollipop

Have you ever heard of Shirley Temple? Not the non-alcoholic red drink with a Maraschino cherry that parents used to give their kids on special occasions, but the child star from the 1930s. We also knew her as the singer of "On the Good Ship Lollipop," a cutesy-ootsey song about a world of candy and sweet foods, where "bon-bons play, on the sunny beach of peppermint bay."

I thought about her when I saw a news article about Albert Roundtree Jr., a 6-year-old rapper who has gone viral with his song and video, "Booty Pop." During the course of the song, the kindergarten casanova raps about seducing women, and makes his case as to why girls should go out with him. The chorus refrain is pure poetry, with Roundtree singing, "I can make your booty pop, booty pop, booty pop."

All the while, bikini-clad girls shake what they got, just like in regular rap videos. At one point, there's just his tiny head bobbing between two close-up rump shots.

If this is done in jest, as some type of satire on the rap video genre, then it's brilliant. But something tells me its' not. And if it is real, the video is really disturbing on many accounts.

• First, there's Roundtree's bully button. What is up with that outtee? He may as well still have the umbilical cord attached.
• Who are these girls who have such a low self-esteem that they feel it's OK to be seen gyrating that close to a little kid?
• Whose idea was it to have little Albert hold a water gun from his crotch and shoot water at the dancing girls? I mean, c'mon now.

But, in this day and age, this video makes perfect sense. Just like parents were willing to exploit Shirley Temple, Michael Jackson, and a host of other child stars, these parents are looking through their children to find the gold. In fact, according to the Huffington Post article, "...Albert's parents...paid for the video in the hopes that their son would become a famous rapper."

And to be in that game, this is the kind of video you need to produce. No matter what the age, and no matter what the cost.

Don’t Be That Dude: Air Guitar Concert

Dude, didn’t you hear us stop laughing after about 5 minutes into your Air Guitar performance last night?

No? Maybe your Air Guitar amplifier was cranked up too loud.

Whatever, my friend, it’s no biggie. But the Air Guitar concerts are played out, especially since you never really made it as a musician. It just makes it sadder.

And what were you doing? It’s one thing to Air Guitar on a righteous Santana solo, or when that Stevie Ray Vaughan song came on. But you were playing Air Guitar chords. Air Guitar chords? How is that even meaningful to people who don’t play an instrument? How do you even think that is funny?

And then you started strumming Air Guitar along with Jim Croce’s “Don’t Mess Around With Jim”? That’s when you really lost us, bro.

And you must’ve sensed something too. That was right around the time when you mooned everyone, in a last-ditch effort to get a laugh. Then you gave us all the finger and started in on the hard stuff.

Oh, and that chick you were checking out, sitting on the red cooler, she was checking you out too – until you busted your head on the garden hose reel when you tried that behind-the-neck Air Guitar move during Foxy Lady. She just looked at her friend, rolled her eyes, and left. Uggh! Hendrix would not have been proud, and neither were we.

Dude, chill with the Air Guitar. Don’t be that dude.

Shocking Study Finds Americans Love Christmas, and Other Holidays Too

Wow! I never would've guessed this in a million years, so let's all be grateful that Gallup research can finally confirm:

Americans love Christmas Day.

I was listening to NPR last night and heard Gallup's Frank Newport chatting it up with host Sarah Gardner about this groundbreaking study. Gallup asked Americans: "What are the happiest days of the year?" Newport told Gardner.

He went on to explain that not only was Christmas Day the happiest day of 2011; the holiday has ranked number one since Gallup has been conducting this important research. And the surprises don't stop there: Thanksgiving Day and Easter Sunday ranked second and third, and July 4th and New Year's Day tied for fourth place.

It's no wonder that all of our fave holidays involve either stuffing one's face, gorging on sweets, getting and giving gifts we can't afford, blowing things up, drinking heavily, or some combination thereof.

The kicker was when Gardner said that her happiest day of the year is "the first day of vacation." Newport retorted, "Vacations, clearly based on our data, are something people really enjoy. That comes under the category of what we pollsters call a 'duh finding.'"

Seems like this whole study could be placed under that category, no?

Keep up the hard-hitting research Gallup. We need to know, the things we already know.

Safety Not Guaranteed, But Your Enjoyment Is!

Note: this is not my attempt at using my blog to review films. But this blog is about truth, and Safety Not Guaranteed has truth overflowing from its indie pockets.


My wife and I do not get out to the movies much. It's expensive, and most of the time there's really nothing that interests us. Put it to you this way: the last film we saw in the theater was Avatar, because of all the hype: "If you're going to see Avatar, you gotta see it in the theater."

Safety Not Guaranteed is not that kind of movie. You don't need to see this on the big screen. But that's not an indictment; it's part of this movie's charm.

Because, in fact, this film is really big. It's got big heart; big, real emotions that are played out by a bunch of newcomers and fringe actors like Aubrey Plaza, Jake Johnson, Mark Duplass, and Karan Soni.

The film's main story revolves around a Seattle magazine editor (Johnson) who takes two interns (Plaza and Soni) on a road trip to track down the author of classified ad searching for "someone to go back in time with."


The idea of going back in time to fix the blunders of the past, on its surface, is a well-worn path in Hollywood. But time travel is so peripheral to this film. It's what these characters are able to do in the present -- address and resolve the issues they've created and dealt with in the past -- that makes the entire trip like going back in time.

And the ending, while subdued, is as stirring as watching ET say goodbye to Elliot. 

Hope that makes sense. If not, sorry: Sensibility Not Guaranteed.

Just see this movie if you want to feel better than you did when you walked in.

How Are You? How Are You?

Hey, I just asked you how you were doing. And your answer: "How are you?"

You answered my question with another question, the same question. Did you not hear me, soldier! I said, "How are you?"

Maybe you were about to ask me, just before I asked you. But I asked you first, so now it's time to shift the gears of your brain in a new direction and come up with an acceptable response.

"Good." "Fine." "Beautiful." "Amazing." "Crappy." "Horrible." Any of these would've fit the bill. And, if you wanted to ask me a question, here's one: "How Am I What?" It's a bit sarcastic, but it would do.

Now, by returning my question back over the net to me with the same question, we're caught in an endless volley of "How are you." Way to go, guy! Now, my response can set off the conversation in a thousand different directions. I didn't want that responsibility.

I just wanted to know: "How are you?"