Don't Be That Dude: You Put a Calvin Peeing Decal on Your Car?!

Oh my God, dude!

I thought that was your car the other day, but I said to myself, "Even that dude would never be so corny."

Alas, you are. Why did you do it, dude?

Why did you put that stupid decal on your car that shows an evil Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes on your car? It just doesn't mesh with the whole mini-van, two-kids-and-a-wife, picket fence routine.

The worst part is where you placed it. It looks like Evil Calvin is peeing on the similarly corny white stick figures that are supposed to represent you, your wife, your two kids, and the dog. What is wrong with you?

You didn't realize that? Well, guess what? Your wife did.

What's next?

The bull balls under the rear of the car? Or how about those reflective naked women stickers?

Anyway, I'm very surprised at you, dude!

That's just not you! Do you desire to be some musclebound, meathead, Guido who drives around cutting people off, giving them the finger, and spreading ill to your fellow man? In a mini-van?

Hey, look. I'm not saying you gotta put on the bumper sticker that spells out "COEXIST" in various religious symbols. But this Evil Calvin thing has got to go. It's not you. You were never that little mischievous kid who wreaked havoc on the neighborhood. And, sad to say, you never will be.

So, take it off dude.

And, while your at it, get rid of that sticker that says, "My kid beat up your honor student." Just because your kids aren't bright doesn't mean parents shouldn't be proud of what their kids have achieved.

Don't be that dude.

Don’t Be That Dude: Bathroom Chatterbox

Shhush up, dude! Not in here!

Zip your lip, then zip it up, and meet me over by the sink.

I refuse to talk to you at the urinal, dude.

When guys step up to the urinal, it’s for one thing and one thing only. Eyes on the wall, concentrate on the task at hand, wash up, and get back out there. This goes for when you’re at a bar, at work, the baseball game – anywhere you share a restroom with other people.

Don’t start talking to me about last night’s game. Don’t strike up a conversation about that girl you’ve been talking to all night. Don’t tell me about some great new investment that you really think I should get in on before it blows up. And especially don’t make any idle chit-chat! I hate that dude.

If you’re bored in the restroom, it’s because you’re supposed to be. Oh, and what’s up with that pose? You have your hands on your hips, as if you’re superman. Hilarious, dude! In a bad way.

Anyway, how are you not grossed out, talking to me while you’re, you know, and I’m, well, you know?

I’m even uncomfortable chatting with you over here by the sinks. Can’t whatever is so important wait, until we’re outside?

Oh, and by the way, same goes for when you’re in the stall. Don’t be talking to me through the stall door. And stop making cell phone calls in there too. That’s disgusting, dude. You spend way too much in the bathroom. Are you dealing drugs again?

Just kidding. But I'm not kidding about your bathroom etiquette. 

Stop thinking the restroom is for socializing. Don't be that dude!

Don't Be That Dude: The Speedo

That is just disgusting,dude!

I know you recently lost weight. You look great! But you're not exactly sporting a David Beckham body!

Your body is covered with a brown pelt, and your ass cheeks swallow just little more material each time you walk. No one needs to see that dude!

Especially me. You've betrayed me.

Last night, at the bar, we were saying how great it would be to go to the beach in the morning, and sleep off our hangovers. I even agreed to do the driving.

This is how you repay me? Sporting a neon yellow banana hammock?

Dude, now my hangover is back, and I think I'm going to throw up.

Huh? You wanted to what?

Whaddya need a tan ass for?

Forget it. I don't want to know. But you need to set up your blanket way over there or you can find another way to get home.

Don't be that dude.

Don't Be That Dude: Dancing at the Club

Dude, what the hell are you doing over there?

Get off the dance floor right now!

Why?

Because you can't dance, dude.

What's that? No, guys on the dance floor don't always get chicks; guys on the dance floor who actually know how to dance get chicks.

Guys who do what you're doing get laughed at, get pissed off about it and curse out some girl, get escorted out of the club, and get to go home early - by cab.

Uggh! I couldn't believe what I saw. You got your arms bent at the elbow at a ridged 90-degree angle, hands tightly knotted in a fist, head titled back, and your eyes closed. You pick up your feet and move them from side to side, and you might as well not have a torso - cause it ain't moving at all dude.

And that girl you were dancing near…

What?

No, not with, next to…Well, that girl wants to dance, with a dancer. And you ain't one.

So stop embarrassing yourself and the rest of us. Get off the dance floor, go grab a Rum and Coke, and Don't Be That Dude.

Don’t Be That Dude: Using Big Words

Dude, you know I love you, right? Like a brother. We’re bros!

So that’s why I got you the hell out of there. You were making a fool of yourself!

I heard you tell that guy you were kind of obsequious about going on that Mediterranean cruise in the fall? Huh?

Why did you use that word, dude? You sucked in English, and you’re no better now. Dude, that guy is an English professor at St. John’s. Now they’re all laughing at you. What? No, it does not mean unsure, brother; it’s like, when you’re overly attentive to someone, like a kiss-ass or their slave or something.

Oh, and then I thought I heard you use the word “retinue” in a sentence? Did you? Huh? I thought so.

It doesn’t have anything to do with going to see a movie at night. It just refers to an entourage, or a group of people who follow you around and cater to you.

Whaddya mean, why am I getting all upset? This is serious stuff.

By the way, Lucky Charms cereal can never be magically and loquaciously delicious. That just means you’re talkative.

Anyway, stop with the big words. I know, you’ve been seeing them in the elevator on your way up to work, and they show up when your iMac goes into screen-saver mode. Actually, I’m impressed that you remembered the words; but you need to retain their meaning or refrain from using them.

We both know you’re not up to that task, so don’t be that dude.

Don’t Be That Dude: Air Guitar Concert

Dude, didn’t you hear us stop laughing after about 5 minutes into your Air Guitar performance last night?

No? Maybe your Air Guitar amplifier was cranked up too loud.

Whatever, my friend, it’s no biggie. But the Air Guitar concerts are played out, especially since you never really made it as a musician. It just makes it sadder.

And what were you doing? It’s one thing to Air Guitar on a righteous Santana solo, or when that Stevie Ray Vaughan song came on. But you were playing Air Guitar chords. Air Guitar chords? How is that even meaningful to people who don’t play an instrument? How do you even think that is funny?

And then you started strumming Air Guitar along with Jim Croce’s “Don’t Mess Around With Jim”? That’s when you really lost us, bro.

And you must’ve sensed something too. That was right around the time when you mooned everyone, in a last-ditch effort to get a laugh. Then you gave us all the finger and started in on the hard stuff.

Oh, and that chick you were checking out, sitting on the red cooler, she was checking you out too – until you busted your head on the garden hose reel when you tried that behind-the-neck Air Guitar move during Foxy Lady. She just looked at her friend, rolled her eyes, and left. Uggh! Hendrix would not have been proud, and neither were we.

Dude, chill with the Air Guitar. Don’t be that dude.

Don’t Be That Dude: Ogling Girls

Hey man. C’mon over here. I just want to have a little chat with you.

Huh?

Nothing bad, just a bit of friendly advice.

Yeah, don’t be that dude.

Whaddya mean, what do I mean?

OK. That girl over there, she can’t be more than 24, she’s barely out of college. You turned 52 last week, remember? We went out drinking and had a blast, and you were crying to me about how much you love your wife, and two daughters? Your daughters. One of them will be going to college next year, right?

But you’ve been staring at that girl the whole train ride. Now everyone on the train is creeped out by you. Even me, and I’m your bud.

Listen, I’m realistic. I’m not telling you not to look. I know how futile that would be. But when you start drooling on your iPad, it’s time close your mouth, blink your eyes, and snap your brain back into the world of reality. I mean, do you think that girl would go for you? And, let’s say that the remote, .000001 percent chance comes true, you have the guts to do anything?

What I’m trying to say is, remember when we were her age, how we used to go to the bar, and see dudes like that all over. Remember how much we used to laugh at that dude? Well, now there’s other dudes laughing at you, dude!

You’re becoming that dude.

Dude, don’t be that dude. OK?